I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
Randomize
