the condom got lost in my hair
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Your topless pictures make me question reality
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
Randomize
