i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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