We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
