He actually believes he's not an alcoholic if he doesn't go to meetings.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
