I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
started her walk of shame as my mom and dad walked through my common room door...my dad held the door for her and told her to have a nice day
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
