I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information
walking out with herpes. that would be worse
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Do you have feelings for this penis?
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
