I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Randomize
