I'm going to jail i love you
people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
