I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
One night stand!! Now I'm pissing excellence
That burning is chlamydia
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
After Thursday my breakup "don't screw anybody out of respect" month will be over and I will be set loose. My pussy is purring with anticipation.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Randomize
