she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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