Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
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