It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
