hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
So the bar crawl I'm on is a "90s bar crawl" and I made the joke about a few overweight girls that "lack of concern for your weight is so 90s" it did not end well
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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