What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
