Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Girl. There is the cutest old gay here. He's approximately 100 years old and kind as shit.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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