nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
