I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
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