I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
