Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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