So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.
I'm not even gonna ask.
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Yeah but who says we can't be shitfaced and tan at the same time?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
