Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
She's just so happy...and so naked.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Randomize
