Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
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