Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
The cab driver thought we were passed out so he called a sexline...
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
You know when you get a stripper pays your bail. You got good wood.
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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