The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
In attempts to Not be THAT GIRL in front of my new crush I will only drink a 12 pack instead of my normal case.
Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart
What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?
Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
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