i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
