I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
The Olympian is in my bed
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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