My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Randomize
