She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
Some guy dressed like Santa just handed me a bottle of tequila. I NEVER WANT TO LEAVE CANCUN
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
You gave my cousin a blowjob and are facebook friends with my mom. Is there a name for this level of friendship?
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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