fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
love makes seman taste better
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I came so hard that my back seriously popped like 5 times.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Randomize
