Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
time to smoke my breakfast
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Randomize
