no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Unexpected pro of the hostel though: literally down the street from Coors Field. I could literally fart on the building in five minutes.
Randomize
