Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Randomize
