i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
