literally had 100 drinks last night.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
Randomize
