you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
When she sits down, she uses her fat rolls like an arm rest.
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
she peed her pants, took them off, the put them back on. but she only put her legs in one hole.
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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