This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
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