I wish my penis had an off switch
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Not sure if you carved a butthole or vagina in that pumpkin but that didn't stop high Phil from mounting. My study group is horrified.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
