come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
sorry I called you to cry about the state of the neopets economy
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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