i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
