You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
Randomize
