I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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