we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I woke up with a meat pie in my hand and my mouth tasting like an ashtray. I'm a catch, really!
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
