I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Randomize
