so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Randomize
