any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
Randomize
