Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
