I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
We were Chugging coronas for the soul purpose of launching limes out of the 3rd story window, I'd say it was a good weekend
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
