So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I'm at the level of despair that only Panda Express can fix
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize