dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
Randomize
