dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
There are rumors he has a square penis....ill do anything though....
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Anyway, all that to say that tiny penises are a hassle.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
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