i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
I'm on a mission to free the leash kids. Like liberating the Israelites from Egypt. Only better.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
Randomize
