Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Randomize
