I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...
He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Nothing says "class act" like eating acid in the middle of a Buffalo Wild Wings
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Randomize
