yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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